Purge Tips | Sport bar stool
Now that we’ve entered week 4 of quarantine, it’s safe to assume a purge is imminent. People are going crazy stuck at home, and it’s only a matter of time.
If you’re unfamiliar with The Purge, I recommend watching The Purge movie before reading on. It can be found online.
If you don’t have time to watch The Purge, winner of the 2013 Best Picture Oscar, here’s a quick look at what a purge is.
A purge usually lasts 24 hours. For these 24 hours, there are no laws. Theft is legal. Murder is legal. Parking in disabled spaces is legal. Everything under the sun is legal. After these 24 hours, everything is back to normal. All crimes committed during these 24 hours are forgiven. It’s important to have a plan in place if you want to survive the coming purge.
Here are some things you can do to make sure you get the most out of your purge. Survival is most important, but you also have to do your own purge – you deserve it!
Have a good night
This should go without saying, but make sure you get a good 12-16 hours of sleep before the purge. It lasts 24 hours, and you’re going to want to be awake for all of them.
Buy a mask
Anyone who knows about purging will tell you that a wacky mask is the most important thing you can have. The purges often turn into a competition for the best mask. Your mask should be unique, it shouldn’t make a lot of sense, and it should cover your entire head in a way that makes it extremely difficult to see.
I wouldn’t buy any of the masks they use in the movie. They are played. Imagine showing up to your elderly neighbors to purge with your friends and your friend Jimmy is wearing the same mask. Annoying!
I would recommend going with Kermit The Frog
Take out life insurance
Fingers crossed it doesn’t come to that, but you could very well die. Make sure your loved ones are taken care of in your wake.
Do your murder the night before
Now, it’s a bit risky, but the payoff will be worth it. As everyone knows, the purges begin and end at midnight. The hours leading up to the purge are eerily quiet. Everyone is safely huddled in their home and resting for the big day. It’s the perfect time strike. There is also very little police presence the day before. Many officers will leave the day before the purge to make it a long weekend.
Let’s say you’re aiming to purge Tim & Carrie Jessup down the street. Drop by there with your Kermit The Frog mask around 10 p.m. the night before. Tie them up and cut their children into pieces while they watch. Blow Tim and Carrie’s brains out afterwards. Nobody expects this. When the post-purge cleanup crews come, they’ll assume the murder happened during purge hours and you’re safe.
Dig a ditch
The moat is criminally underutilized these days. If someone approaches your house and sees a ditch, they won’t try to swim across. Who knows what scary things might be in your moat. If you have access to a swimming monster, permanently put it in your moat. If you don’t know any monsters, try filling your moat with acid. Scatter the cut remains of the Jessup family around the ditch to let people know that your ditch is not to be taken lightly. Just make sure you have a working drawbridge so you don’t lock yourself into your own home.
Automatic weapons, grenades, tripwire, machine guns, turrets, C4s, claymores, landmines, tanks, bazookas, etc. Anything you can get your hands on. The more weapons, the better. If someone walks past your moat, you’ll light them up like the 4th of July.
White Collar Crime
People don’t often consider white collar crime during a purge, which is a shame because you can take advantage of people in different ways. Insider trading is one of my favorites. Is your company about to announce that you’ve just won a huge government contract? If so, buy all the stock. Give this information to as many people as possible and make sure you get cut off for 10% of everyone’s earnings. While everyone is busy killing each other, you can commit cybercrimes, blackmail your colleagues, start a Ponzi scheme, racketeer, and move large amounts of drugs across state lines. Either way, you already had time to do some twisted, twisted bullshit to the Jessup family on Purge night.
The memories will last a lifetime, but it’s nice to have pictures too! Instagram will be poppin’ the day after the purge, and you’re going to want to make a nice post. Document all the crazy bullshit you’ve done with your friends and family. It might be boring to stop for a photo at this point, but believe me, you’ll be happy years from now when you can show your grandkids how much fun you had at the purge.